Most of Me
by R0sie
Summary: After the events of Season 4, Jude must return from London to face her own personal demons - and Tommy.


_**London called, but it had the wrong number. Sometimes your head makes a decision seem so simple—but your heart suffers with the consequences. If we had a crystal ball that could foresee our futures, would we still make the same decisions – even if we knew they would only lead to heartbreak? They say everything happens for a reason—but what if you've yet to find it?**_

**CHAPTER 1: MY IMMORTAL**

"Where's the veil? Where's the freaking veil?" Jude Harrison pitched forward to grab a pile of clothes from a nearby chair, the seam of her dress stretching to its limits and almost ripping.

"I don't know!" Her mother screamed, her bright red face glistening with beads of sweat. "I set it right here!" She jerked her hand toward the counter and then rifled through the clutter on top as if a 7 foot long veil could be hiding under a caboodle of cosmetics and makeup brushes.

"There can't be a wedding without a veil!" Jude yanked open the armoire but only bare hangers clattered back at her.

"Jude, calm down." Her mother tried to put an arm on her shoulder but Jude was already on her knees, peering under the table. "Honey, no, you're going to rip your -!"

A horrific tearing sound filled Jude's ears and made her freeze.

"Dress…" her mother finished under her breath.

Oh please, God, no….She didn't just…

"I can see your panties!" Maddie shrieked from the doorway, her tiny finger aimed at Jude.

Jude slowly stood up, her ears ringing. Her four-year old sister skipped into the room laughing and twirling in a 7 foot long piece of gauzy fabric.

"The veil! Maddie!"

Jude stared at her reflection in the full length mirror, her heart pounding wildly in her chest. The summer sun sprawled in lazily from one of the high windows, its rays catching the sparkles on the bright fabric of her dress and almost blinding her.

"Wow, Jude, you look amazing." Her mother's emotion-filled voice came from behind her. Jude turned her head slightly, not quite detaching her eyes from her reflection. The fabric glue was drying nicely, but she still wouldn't call herself amazing. However, she certainly did stand out.

"I can't believe my baby is getting married."

"Oh, mom..." She finally turned from the mirror and took in her mom's puffy, red-rimmed eyes. "You aren't supposed to cry until we're walking down the aisle."

Her mother's lower lip quivered, "Oh, I'm sure I'll go through another box of Kleenex then too."

"Mom…" Jude wrapped her mother in a tight hug, trying to hold back tears herself. If she wasn't careful, her sister Sadie would insist on reapplying all of her makeup.

"I am just so proud of you, honey. Of both of my girls." She pulled back to look into Jude's eyes, holding her daughter by the shoulders. "I can't believe you are both all grown up now. It seems like yesterday I was putting your hair in pigtails and…" her voice broke away into sobs. She smothered Jude in a hug again, her body heaving with each cry.

Peering over her mother's shoulder, Jude watched as Sadie emerged from the hallway. She looked breathtaking in her own sequined dress and expertly applied make up. When their mother started reminiscing about changing diapers and singing lullabies, Jude quickly mouthed the word, "Help!"

"Mom!" Sadie called, gently tugging her mother away and to the other side of the room.

"Oh, Sadie! Look at you!" She burst into a fresh set of tears and Jude was secretly glad the attention was off of her.

"Why's Momma cryin' like that?" a tiny voice asked from below.

Jude looked down at Maddie. Her small head was cocked to the side in thought, blonde hair cascading over one shoulder.

"Is she mad cuz I wored the veil?"

Jude smiled and bent to scoop up her little sister. She planted a kiss on her forehead. "No silly, Mommy's crying because she's happy."

Maddie's forehead wrinkled. She didn't seem to understand, but her attention span was too short to keep asking questions. Instead, she surveyed Jude up and down and giggled. "Yous look funny in that dress."

Jude groaned but couldn't suppress the smile that broke out on her lips. She hadn't been quite sure how to react when her mother had first announced she was pregnant 5 years ago. She had never liked her new step-dad and knew the pregnancy would anchor him to their family for good. But then Maddie had been born and as soon as she had stared up at Jude with those big brown eyes, her heart had instantly melted. Jude hadn't spent as much time with her as she would have liked. She had lived the last 5 years on the road promoting new albums or holed up in a recording studio back in Amsterdam - purposely avoiding Toronto because of her own personal demons. But now she had no choice…and the violins' sweet melodies began drifting in through the cracked hallway door.

Sadie put a gentle hand on her sister's shoulder. "It's time. Are you ready?"

Jude gave Maddie one more squeeze and set her down. Sadie quickly began to smooth the wrinkles out of their baby's sisters dress, her eyes still locked on Jude's, waiting for an answer.

"As ready as I'm ever going to be."

The location was perfect. Everyone dreamt of a tropical wedding, didn't they? Jude looked down and surveyed her already sweaty armpits, suddenly not so sure. The temperature was already well above 90 degrees. She sure hoped her deodorant held up. It would be incredibly embarrassing to have everyone drop dead from the stench as she sauntered down the aisle.

"You ready, honey?" her father's voice came from behind her. Jude craned her neck to see through the doorway. Over 200 people were seated in the glossy white chairs displayed across the immaculate lawn. A simple white aisle runner split the crowd, ending at the beautiful trellis Jude had tediously tied over 1000 red antheriums to. It had taken forever, but the end result was worth it. The wedding was supposed to be an intimate affair, but she wasn't sure 200 guests quite qualified as intimate.

The violin music paused dramatically and she knew it was her turn to walk down the aisle. Why was she so nervous? She could perform in front of sold out crowds—so why did the thought of everyone's eyes on her now turn her knees to jelly? Maybe part of it was because she hadn't been in front of an audience for over a year. Not since the Jude pandemonium had died down and she had become just another page in the Time Life collection.

Someone nudged her from behind and she quickly began to pad barefoot down the aisle. The grass beneath the runner was soft and cushioned each step she took. She felt her cheeks burn as everyone turned to watch her and tried to concentrate on the end of aisle where the handsome man in a white tuxedo waited for his bride. That was why she was here—despite months of sweat and the occasional tear it took to plan the whole thing—it was all worth it when she saw the look on his face.

Kwest was positively beaming, his white teeth a glowing contrast against his tanned skin. Jude made it to him, her smile broad and contagious…then stepped to the left just as the Wedding March began and the entire crowd got to their feet. She turned in time to see Sadie holding their father's arm, her tears glistening in the tropical sun. Sadie's dress was incredible with a full skirt and corseted top. Her pale blonde hair was pulled up with a dozen white daises elegantly arranged throughout it. She looked amazing—and Jude couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. She had always been the "little sister", the rebel, the girl guys dated to get to Sadie. And now here her sister was, living the dream, getting married to her soul mate on a tropical island.

Soul mate…the word seemed to resonate in her head and she couldn't stop herself from picturing that smile, the blue eyes that crinkled, the mouth that had felt so good to kiss… Sometimes she missed his arms the most, the way it felt to be safely surrounded by them, pressed up against his firm chest…. She mentally scolded herself and forced her mind back to reality. She and Tommy were not meant to be and she knew those kinds of thoughts were destructive. But what if life had been different? What if she had had the guts to tell him the truth about why she had suddenly come back home only 1 month after leaving for London? What if she'd never gone back? Would she be the one standing up at the altar saying, "I do."?

She looked down at her bare feet, suddenly thinking the pale blue nail polish she wore looked stupid and childish. In fact, she would have given almost anything to get out of the dumb turquoise maid-of-honor dress she wore and into a pair of faded jeans and vintage t-shirt.

As the pastor began, Jude surveyed the crowd from beneath the false eyelashes Sadie had forced her to wear, hoping that people watching would distract her racing mind. There were her grandparents, her grandma dabbing at her eyes with a balled up tissue, her grandfather with his eyes half-closed, seconds away from snoring. Down two rows sat her Aunt Pearl and cousin Bobby…on the other side of the aisle were Sadie's friends Allie and Connor…at the back of the crowd Tommy…then there was Uncle Harold pulling out his dentures - Jude froze. Her uncle was busy examining his false teeth and Jude was too scared to turn her gaze back to the figure who stood near one of the palm trees. It couldn't have been Tommy. Sure, he had been Kwest's friend for more than 18 years, but Sadie had assured her that he hadn't RSVP'd and wasn't coming.

She dared herself to look back. It _was _him. She felt tightness in her chest and suddenly couldn't breathe. His eyes were on her, as they always seemed to be. He looked incredible, his skin tanned, hair gelled and styled perfectly, eyes narrowed as he unabashedly watched her. He was even more beautiful than she had remembered. She suddenly realized that she looked like the little mermaid in her ocean colored dress and wished she could duck behind the pulpit.

This wasn't the way she'd imagined seeing him again—and she had planned out _many _scenarios in her mind, one of them involving whip cream. Standing next to her knock out sister while wearing something that could have passed as a Halloween costume wasn't one of them. Tommy cocked his head to the side and gave her a half smile. Her heart nearly leapt out her throat. Damn…she had missed those dimples.

There was a sudden commotion and someone in the audience shouted. Jude reluctantly tore her eyes from Tommy just in time to see Maddie pinching the ring bearer in the butt. The little boy yelped and slapped at Maddie's hand, causing the flower basket to erupt in a volcano of petals.

"Owwwww!" She howled, her face scrunching up and tears instantly sprouting from the corners of her eyes.

"Mommmmmmyyyy! He! Hit! Me!" She threw the basket at the boy and ran to the front row where their mother sat. As their mother comforted Maddie and apologized profusely to the crowd, Jude turned her eyes back to the palm tree. Tommy was gone.

Jude stumbled in the sand, one hand clutching an empty martini glass, the other someone's left shoe. She wasn't quite sure how she had obtained the shiny high heel or why she was still holding onto it, but she did know one thing—apple martinis were _good_. She hiccupped and tried to brush a long strand of strawberry blonde hair out of her face, but only succeeded in poking her eye. After tripping over a piece of driftwood, she collapsed to her knees, where she decided to stay because it minimized the spinning.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."

She tried to look up because the voice sounded familiar, but her head was too heavy and her eye ached from when she had jabbed it.

"What are you doing out here?"

Jude felt her face being lifted and soon she was looking into Sadie's blue eyes.

"Are you okay? This is about He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named, right? I swear I didn't know he'd be here—or that he'd bring a…_guest_." She almost choked on the last word.

Jude shrugged, or at least she thought she did.

"Are you drunk?"

She titled a wobbly head and rolled her eyes at Sadie.

"No." She looked confused for a minute then blurted out, "But why are there two of you?" She erupted into a fit of laughter and toppled over, which really wasn't a good thing considering the motion made her stomach knot. She was going to throw up.

Sadie rested her hands on her knees, her expression resembling the one she usually adopted when she was about to scold Maddie.

"How many of these things have you had?" She plucked the martini glass from the sand where it had fallen and held it in Jude's face.

Jude promptly responded by throwing up, missing her sister's feet by inches.

"Oh, ew!" Sadie jumped backward, her concerned expression turning horrified. "Okay then, we're getting you to your room."

Jude didn't protest as Sadie hooked her hands under her armpits and lifted Jude to her feet. Even though she had made fun of Sadie for making the wedding a week-long event, she was suddenly grateful she had a hotel room bed to curl up in.

After offering a wet wash cloth and tucking her sister under the covers, Sadie sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry, Jude. I didn't think you'd get this upset."

Jude, who'd had her eyes closed, struggled to look up at her sister.

"Huh?"

Why did she look so guilty?

"I mean, I didn't know that he – I just figured that…"

"You knew he was coming?" Jude felt her stomach clench when Sadie didn't immediately respond. "My own sister…you _liar_." She stumbled to the bathroom to throw up again.

"I didn't mean to lie!" Sadie hollered, rushing after Jude. She held back her sister's hair as Jude bent over the toilet bowl and retched. "I thought if I could get you two in the same place together…"

"That what?" Jude asked angrily, beginning to sober up fast. She pushed herself up from the toilet, ignoring the weakness in her knees, and rinsed her mouth out in the sink. "We would see each other and fall madly in love again?" Tears began to blur her vision and she quickly grabbed a towel to wipe at her face.

"Maybe something like that." Sadie admitted quietly. She tried to grab Jude's elbow to help steer her back to the bed, but Jude shook her off.

The part that hurt the most was that Jude had been secretly hoping the same thing. She'd always dreamt of the day she would see Tommy again. And she'd known all that there was a very good chance she would run into him again when she came back for Sadie's wedding.

Jude collapsed onto the bed, suddenly depleted of all energy. She wanted nothing more than to pull the blankets up over her head and sleep for a week.

"I swear I didn't know that he was bringing a date." Sadie said, ignoring Jude's feeble protests as she repositioned the blankets over her sister.

Jude studied her sister's sad face and knew there was no use being angry. Sadie's heart was bigger than her brain but she'd had the best intentions.

"It doesn't matter anyway." She muttered and turned her face into the feather down pillow. Sadie was silent for a moment then Jude felt the bed bounce as her sister laid down next to her.

"What are you doing? This is your wedding night. Shouldn't you be out dancing with your prince charming?"

Sadie ignored her.

"What happened between you guys? When you came back to Toronto so soon after leaving for London, I knew something wrong…what was it?"

Jude buried her face deeper into the pillow and willed the hot tears to stop falling. She couldn't tell Sadie. Nobody knew—not even Tommy. She'd come back to Toronto 5 years ago with the secret consuming her. She'd been so scared and needed Tommy, needed him to be there for her like he had always been, to tell her that everything was going to be ok, that he believed in her. But instead she had walked into the studio and saw the red-headed teenager behind the microphone and the way Tommy's eyes lit up as he watched her sing. She had been replaced…and so quickly by someone who could have passed as her sister. She'd known then that she couldn't tell him the truth—it would have changed everything forever and neither of them were ready for that.

"Jude…talk to me." Sadie placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"I can't." Jude whispered, her heart aching. Why did Tommy have to show up? Why did he have to bring back all of the horrible memories and make her face it all alone?

When the reception had begun 3 hours ago, Jude had instantly started searching for him in the massive crowd, wondering if the heat had caused her to hallucinate his image earlier. But then she had spotted him over by the bar and her heart had done its little dance again. He was leaning over the counter, ordering something. She watched his mouth move and couldn't stop the memories from taking over….the stolen kisses in the studio, the time she had licked cappuccino foam from his upper lip, the way his lips felt as they tickled her neck and collarbone…

She'd been drawn to him like a magnet and soon found herself gravitating his way. He'd just begun to turn when the little red-head stepped in front of him, wrapping an arm around Tommy and giving him a squeeze. Jude wasn't sure if Tommy had seen her, but she quickly slid in between two sweaty men at the bar and ordered her first apple martini. Then she had wandered down the beach, trying to keep her tears in check.

Sadie stared up at the ceiling, her expression thoughtful. "If it helps, he never stopped loving you."

Jude swallowed hard.

"Kwest told me Tommy said so. And I don't think he'll ever stop, Jude." She turned on her side. "I know you still love him. Whatever happened, Jude, you can work it out."

Jude shook her head sadly. "I don't think so, Sadie."

"Just talk to him."

It had been 5 years, even if she did try to work it out, Tommy had obviously moved on with his life. Fire-Engine Red Head was the proof of that.

"I think I just need to rest. I'll feel better in the morning when I'm hung over."

Sadie finally got the hint. Jude needed to be alone. She kissed her sister's forehead and reluctantly crawled out of the bed.

"I'm here for you. I'll keep my cell phone close. Call me for anything."

Jude nodded, glad to have _someone_love her so much.

"Thanks for getting me back to my room."

Sadie shrugged, "You might have gotten arrested otherwise."

Jude smiled as her sister waved goodbye and slipped out the door, but the smile quickly staled. She couldn't stop thinking about Tommy—about that girl's arm clutching him like she owned him—_Jude's Tommy_. God, she missed him. She would have given anything to have him walk through the door and lay down on the bed next to her. To spoon her and hold her tightly against his body, to whisper, "I love you, Big Eyes." like he used to.

Jude began to cry again, huge sobs that racked her body and tore her soul. There was only one thing she could do. She quickly pulled herself up out of the bed, ignoring the dizziness that threatened to consume her. She grabbed her guitar and journal and went out onto the first floor balcony. The night was muggy and warm and the stars blinked at her from the sky. She began to write. Soon, she was lost as the melody streamed through her veins and her fingers began to strum.

"I'm so tired of being here  
>Suppressed by all my childish fears<br>And if you have to leave  
>I wish that you would just leave<br>'Cause your presence still lingers here  
>And it won't leave me alone<p>

These wounds won't seem to heal  
>This pain is just too real<br>There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears<br>I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<p>

You used to captivate me  
>By your resonating light<br>Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
>Your face it haunts<br>My once pleasant dreams  
>Your voice it chased away<br>All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
>This pain is just too real<br>There's just too much that time cannot erase-

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears<br>I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<p>

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
>But though you're still with me<br>I've been alone all along."

Standing beside the balcony, concealed by the bushes, Tommy stood. He closed his eyes as her magical voice filled the heavy air, a tear stain drying on his cheek.

To Be Continued...

*Song Used: My Immortal by Evanescence


End file.
